I dare you to decipher this.

Intermission.

2006-03-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm almost posting regularly... wow.

I dyed my hair last night, its okay. I'm not crazy about it, but my roots were so bad with the blonde, I had to do something.

Geff wasn't at school yesterday, so that pretty much sucked, but he was here today, and I was happy. I think I'm doing fairly well at CAD... and I must be, I actually got a compliment from Mr. Summers. I'm not hating my class so much anymore, I guess.

I totally scored at Goodwill the past couple days. I got a ton of stuff and I'm not complaining.

I've been praying a bunch... a bunch. I'm positive thats why I'm so much more relaxed and have more of a piece of mind.

Seems like nothing is really going on in my life right now... I'm on pause or something... but thats better than being on rewind and going backwards I would say.

Anyway, today isn't going too bad. I think I'm just going to chill when I get home tonight after discipleship with Barb... yep, sounds good.

[<3]

Breaking habits, but breaking hearts.

2006-03-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

So I realized I don't hate CAD... I'm actually kinda good at. =)

Anywho, I went to church last night in a fairly bad mood, even though I made a wonderful Goodwill trip beforehand. The smallest things have been irritating me to death... I'm even yelling at my best friend. I tend to snap and my emotions go crazy. But when we started prayer, I let everything out. I prayed so so hard, and I could barely sit still. It gave me a huge burst of hope and helpful energy. The Lord just rocks like that.

I'm working on trying not to cuss as much. I don't know why, but I do it so much... just a habit I guess. But I know it doesn't make for a good example of Christians, or the change that has occurred in myself for that matter.

I'm praying about it, and if you would, could some of you pray for me to be a little less stressed and irritable? I think I'm starting to hurt people, and I feel horrible about it. Thanks so much guys.

[<3]

Improving or repressing?

2006-02-27T04:44:00.000-08:00

So I went to church last night. Larry had us make our own scarlet letters, and it just brought up things I didn't want to think about... things I know I have a problem with, but I don't address them. I left a little depressed and confused. I know God will help me, but I'm doubting Him so much about this certain thing because its been a part of me for so long. I'll pray about it, and stay faithful.

On the bright side, Bri and Geff came to church with me, and thats always nice.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do career-wise. I think I want to go into electronical engineering, considering I have a 2-year scholarship to Clark State through my program, so I might as well take it. I also want to do social work or counseling. I don't think I'll be completely content with doing electronics... I really want to help people with their problems because I know what its like to have no one to turn to when theres stuff going on in your life.

Anyway, I need to chill out a little I guess. I'm stressing way too much.

[<3]

2006-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

After talking to Jennifer one night, I've been paying a lot more attention to the trash the media seems so set on presenting to us everyday. You see movies with tons of sex scenes, music with talks about hating people, and more sex, even family shows are getting a little on the crap side. I guess it never really bothered me before, but when you think about it, media plays a big role in how we turn out as adults. Its the whole "monkey see, monkey do" concept, unless you've got abnormal willpower or a better grasp on life. Its just depressing that our youth is being flooded with these images and accepting them as truth. These things just seem to be a little more evident in my life lately.

Anyway, besides that rant, I'm still doing really good. I'm going to discipleship with Jennifer, and going to my mom's just to listen and stuff.

Its all good, I really have nothing interesting to update on.

[<3]

finally in my place

2006-01-28T21:31:00.000-08:00

I can't begin to explain how happy I am right now.

So much has changed over the past week or so, but it feels like I've been working towards this for a lifetime.

I've got God- my Savior, wonderful friends, a beautiful family, and freedom from the self-hatred I held on to for so long. What more could I possibly ask for? Now I look in the mirror, and instead of analyzing everything I see wrong with myself, I anticipate the young woman I'll become, and how I hope I'm everything God wants me to be. I I'm incredibly at peace.

I've also let go of my addictions. Aly, Bri, and I made a pact- no more drinking. Thats so awesome to me. I made a goal for myself not to smoke anymore, or hurt myself. Letting go of those things is an amazing feeling.

Wow, I guess I'm starting to like myself, and all the glory be to God. I never would have made it without Him.

[<3]

watch.earth.die

2005-12-16T00:53:00.000-08:00

From now on, I'm pasting my xanga entries on here:

I cannot help but rant about what goes on around me.

I believe people are unable to learn from their mistakes, or are simply deteriorating.

Everyday on the news, someone got shot, someone got robbed, a riot broke out, something.

Some say its a fact of life.

I say its preventable.

I can't, for the life of me, understand why people are so hostile.

Just chill.

This isn't a constant battle between you and everyone else.

It's exactly the opposite.

The ones who decide to try to rise above everyone else will go to the top alone.

I'm not speaking of anyone in particular, contrary to what you may think.

I'm being general.

Judging only by my surroundings and watching peoples' interactions.

It completely baffles me.

Now that I've learned that I am no better than any other person I come in contact with, I have more friends than I've ever had.

And not only do I have more friends, I'm happier than I've ever been.

Just enjoy life and be the best person you can be...

Its not so difficult.

Trust me.

[<3]

You break her, you fix her.

2005-11-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, Ben cheated on me.

It hurt, still does.

But on the bright side- Retreat went wonderfully. I loved it so so so much. I have never felt that close to God before in my life. It was just so incredible. God answered every prayer I had and He showed me not to doubt Him. So, in turn, I have no doubt in my mind that He is real.

I also loved spending all weekend with my Sarah, thats always fun.

Everything seems so beautiful now. It really is amazing to appreciate all the little things you never noticed before. Its just sad that it takes a near-death incident to realize all of the important things in life.

That's all, I think.

<3

Heart open. Ears closed.

2005-11-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

So, I feel a lot better today.

Last night I didn't even go to church. I felt that bad. I slept all day and night, but it was nice to rest up for once.

I'm trying to hold out on getting too concentrated on my problems and whatnot until retreat tomorrow. I leave all that behind me when I go.

I hate how some people don't believe me when I say I don't smoke weed or drink anymore. They always say "Whatever, you're full of shit." And I'm really not. I really stopped. In a way, I guess, they have a reason not to trust anything I have to say.

"I started looking out for myself today, then I stopped because I don't care."

<3

My name is Recluse.

2005-11-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

I think I'm disconnecting.

Not for any particular reason, but it feels nice sometimes... not having to worry about human contact and disappointing people or causing drama.

Its just easier. I go home everyday, go to my room, and hope that I don't really have to talk to anyone. I hate arguing with my mom or my sister... its always just blaming each other, yelling, and coming to no conclusion or compromise. Its pointless. Therefore, I avoid it. Its just easier.

Call me lazy if you like, maybe anti-social... I call myself a peacemaker, even though a quite reclusive one.

Despite my self-analysis, I'm still confused. I don't know exactly why I act on my thoughts so obviously and apparently. Everyone notices when I feel a certain way, because I'm so open about it. I don't know if I'm just exceptionally open, or everyone else is hiding. Whichever, I'm different.

People love to hide their true emotions. I wish they had a sadness/happiness meter on their foreheads... but I think that would only result in more people getting bangs.

<3

Something new?

2005-11-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

First, I'll make a list of 50 things about me, and you can infer what you like about me after that.

Bear with me.

And I have nothing to hide.

1. I am Brittany.
2. I am 17 years old.
3. I am trying to change my life.
4. I am bipolar.
5. I don't exactly know who I am at this point.
6. My boyfriend lives 600 miles away.
7. I love him.
8. My mom and dad are divorced.
9. I almost died in July of an alcohol overdose.
10. I go to weekly therapy.
11. I love going to church.
12. I feel that I am too weak of a christian as of right now.
13. My best friend is Sarah.
14. I love her.
15. I have confidence issues.
16. I go to JVS for college tech prep engineering, which is fascinating to me.
17. I'm never satisfied.
18. I love writing poetry, even if it isn't beautifully written.
19. I feel like I'm always being judged.
20. I have my lip pierced.
21. I didn't do it to be cool. It was an establishment of control.
22. I only have a few close friends.
23. I'm very gullible.
24. Therefore, I'm vulnerable.
25. I'm extremely insecure.
26. I have the brains of my father.
27. I lost my sister's trust about 6 months ago.
28. I have no idea what I did.
29. I feel like I have no personality.
30. I wonder if I come off that way.
31. I'm far too sympathetic.
32. The thought of sex makes me uncomfortable.
33. I used to do drugs.
34. I don't anymore.
35. I have a horrible self-image.
36. I got a tattoo when I was 15.
37. I don't regret it yet.
38. I always second guess my decisions.
39. I used to cut a lot.
40. I still want to, but I don't want to disappoint anyone.
41. I tried to kill myself.
42. Apparently, it didn't work, and I'm glad.
43. I'm always stuck on the past.
44. I wonder if anyone truly understands how I feel, or if thats possible.
45. My therapist says I can't stay on one topic for too long.
46. I think thats an understatement.
47. I'm a hopeless romantic.
48. I'm still not sure if its hopeless.
49. I can look at art for hours.
50. Lyrics hit me hard.

If you got this far, I appreciate your time. You probably know me better than most people now.

Comment, I want to know what you think... bad or good, either way.

"A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion."

<3